Tokyo Tour: Hi-Tech Toilets Necessitate Further Bathroom Talk

Call me a potty mouth, but (pun intended) I'm rather obsessed with the toilet situation here. At the far end of the spectrum from the controversial squatting toilets I encountered last week are hi-tech Japanese toilets, geared up with thoughtful features like speakers, heaters, blow-dryers, bidets, remote controls and even smell to make the bathroom experience incredibly comfortable--that is, if you push the right buttons. These toilets, usually found in high-end hotels and fancy restaurants, look like regular American toilets, but have colorful control panels on the sides with numerous buttons. Some, like the "noise" button (to coyly cover any sounds you're making in the bathroom), and the "smell" button (to, well, you know) have an associated graphic, making it easy to figure out exactly what you're getting. Others, like, the "butt-washer,"  are sometimes not so obvious.  My experience in a restaurant loo was utterly pleasurable. After being slightly surprised by the heated seat, I successfully pushed the "sound" and "smell" buttons for, well, sh**s and giggles. My only problem? Figuring out how to flush it.